


Kitchen Nightmares

by ScientistSalarian



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Drabble, Gen, Halloween, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-25
Updated: 2017-10-25
Packaged: 2019-01-22 19:53:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12489568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScientistSalarian/pseuds/ScientistSalarian
Summary: Garrus, Shepard and Tali attempt to make dextro-Halloween candy and fail miserably.





	Kitchen Nightmares

“What is that smell?” Miranda asked as she entered the kitchen. “It smells like something died in here...and not recently.”

Shepard, Tali and Garrus were standing around the stove with their eyes fixated on the recipe they had been following on their omni-tools. Shepard had a particularly perplexed look on her face as she tried to make sense of the sight of what was in the pot and the odors that were permeating the air.

“So, you know how it’s almost Halloween right,” Shepard began, “We tried to make some dextro Halloween candy for Tali and Garrus and something definitely did not turn out right.

“That actually looks similar to the stuff I use to shine up our weapons.” Garrus peered into the pot once again at the oddly tar-like substance.

“Funny, it looks like something we used to use to oil up stubborn parts on our older ships. Very…very...toxic stuff.” She backed away from the pot nervously.

Miranda stared at all of them with a look of concern and bewilderment. “You do know that we could have just bought dextro-Halloween candy on the Citadel, right?”

“Is that what that smell is? I just assumed that Grunt ate some bad sushi again.” Jack had wandered into the kitchen and found herself making a rather swift exit. “You guys are all banned from the kitchen until you learn how to make something that won’t strip the fucking paint off the walls,” she called after them.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this but I agree with Jack. I don’t care that you’re in charge, Shepard. None of you are allowed in here until you can prove you can make something that isn’t made of what I’m assuming is a mixture of rat poison, soiled Krogan undergarments, and the swampy waters of Sur’kesh.” Miranda’s gaze was seely cold and the three of them could tell that she meant business.

Garrus, Tali and Shepard all hung their heads as though they were a group of children getting scolded by their teacher. They began to clean up the mess while Miranda looked on with a disapproving scowl. 

“Miranda, set a course for the Citadel. I promised these two Halloween candy and dammit they will have it.” Shepard, realizing that she had momentarily allowed Miranda to mother her, was being extra authoritative to compensate.

Miranda just rolled her eyes. “Fine. But you know this sets us even further back, right?” 

“This is a human holiday! Cerberus is all about humans being the best, right? Tell The Illusive Man that this is about showing our alien crewmates the superiority of human celebrations.”   
Miranda knew better than to argue with Shepard when she got a crazy idea in her head. If the empty liquor bottles that littered the floor were any indication, she was probably rather drunk as well. Miranda knew that drunken fights with Shepard weren’t usually fights worth having. She simply nodded and sighed a defeated huff.

“Did you just use Cerberus’ xenophobia to authorize a trip so we could get candy?” Tali had never been more proud to serve under her commander as she was in that moment.

“Not just candy. Free candy. Trick-or-treating is a tradition where you get candy at someone else’s expense. Granted it’s usually reserved for children but I’m bending the rules.” Shepard had a smug smile stretched across her face. “Now let’s go find Joker and see if he can find us some costumes that will work for you two.”


End file.
